I continually marvel at how answers to our questions or challenges miraculously appear if we simply listen and take notice of what is around us.
For a long time I have struggled to find the balance between trying to dictate the course of my life and letting Life live through me.
Over the last few days I have received more clarity around this, from a variety of seemingly unrelated sources.
Whilst driving I passed a lady in a wheelchair being pushed along the pavement by a professional carer. I knew it was a professional rather than a friend or relative because the man was wearing a white tunic. It got me thinking about how wonderful the world is that there are so many activities to choose from, that whatever our interests we can find a role, a job, a career, or a hobby that uses our talents and strengths and totally fulfils us.
This led me to looking at the area of trends in education and employment. There are not enough job opportunities for graduates in certain disciplines, droves of people are leaving professions such as teaching and nursing, there’s not a large enough uptake of new students in some areas of science and the pay levels for those in jobs that could be considered more of a vocation do not reflect either that passion or the level of responsibility that those jobs entail.
Rather than run campaigns to recruit more teachers, or offer incentives for science students, maybe we should look at the bigger picture. Could these discrepancies, these shortfalls be telling us to look in new directions, adapt to the changing times rather than trying to compensate for what we think should be happening? Maybe learners will come through a different route. Perhaps traditional structures are breaking down in favour of less hierarchical ways of being. What if we were to allow these new paradigms to show themselves?
I saw how much we could apply this philosophy to our own individual lives too.
I realised that despite my desire to respond to what arises, to go with the flow, I am still not fully trusting Life and surrendering to what wants to emerge through me.
I have substituted trying to learn how to make a living using traditional, linear methods with a new ‘method’ of following my inspiration!
I am still forcing how that appears. I’m still making myself wrong for not being more inspired than I am or for not spending enough time being creative! And I am still being run by old fears and limited thinking.
Over the space of the last few days I received further confirmation that I was still trying to control aspects of my life that are none of my business. Reminders, gentle nudges, pointers to a different way of being.
I had commented on a heartfelt piece of writing from a friend and her response was that ‘ it is more like watching life happening through me. Effortless!’ (click here for original article)
Another friend wrote a brilliant, and humorous, piece on the absurdity of how young children are expected to know what they are going to do when they ‘grow up’, having to fit into conventional boxes rather than being allowed to experiment and explore their natural passions. (click here for original article)
And an email arrived with a link to an Alan Watts video where he stated:
Existence is something that is spontaneous.
The Chinese word for nature is ziran. It means that which happens by itself.
If you don’t let go you’re going to constantly be trying to do what can happen healthily only if you don’t try.
We have a strange anxiety in us, that if we don’t interfere it won’t happen.
There is no mistaking the messages. Life knows what it’s doing!
My job is not to second-guess it, only to listen and respond. To get out of my own way, step into the flow of limitless possibilities and surrender to something far far greater than me!
Today I am feeling lost and confused.
When I started this blog my intention was to explore different ways of being in the world. It has been neither a smooth ride nor a logical progression. Not that I expected it to be either.
Every time I think I have found a way of living that embodies the simplicity and clarity that I am comfortable with I then discover new authors, teachers and speakers who challenge my old ways of thinking and open up new ways of seeing or understanding.
I guess this is a natural process. An expansion of consciousness. A new level of awareness. A deeper connection to Life.
But it can be unsettling and sometimes I get swallowed up in the middle of it.
I forget what I am supposed to be doing.
Not in an everyday, practical way. I still get things done, go to appointments, visit friends. But in a bigger picture sort of way. When I can’t get a handle on what I thought I knew. When I don’t know what I believe, how to behave, what I should be feeling.
I get into comparisons, differences, subtle nuances between authors. I can spend days ruminating on pluses and minuses, oscillating between ‘systems’, discarding one principle in favour of another, trying to work out which theory is the ‘best’ one to follow. I get stuck in labels, compartmentalising, box ticking.
And in an attempt to control the mass of conflicting ‘evidence’ my thinking becomes rigid and inflexible. To mask the escalating confusion I can be preachy, dictatorial, opinionated. To myself and in front of others. Like there ‘s only this way, no other way will cut it. It’s just my mind’s way of trying to make sense of it all, figure it out.
I lose sight of who I am.
I, quite literally, get lost.
In my thinking.
When I get caught in my mind machinations I have forgotten my own guiding principles. The knowing of my heart. I have become disconnected from my own wisdom, disembodied from my own awareness of what step to take next, what impulse to follow.
I still feel lost right now.
I am aware that I am still caught in my own thinking.
And I am OK with both of these.
I can stay with the thoughts, stay with the feelings, stay with the physical sensations that arise in each moment. Having the awareness of this, noticing what is happening, witnessing what I am experiencing is all that is needed right now.
I don’t have to ‘know’ the big picture. I don’t have to get my head around anything. I don’t have to change anything.
Simply stopping, breathing, re-connecting, I feel a little less lost.
I’m learning daily about what it means to create and to share.
Many of us are terrified of sharing our artistic or creative work. We listen to thoughts that tell us our work isn’t good enough, that no one will like it, that we have nothing new to offer.
And it’s not an exaggeration to say that those thoughts generate feelings of paralysis, extreme self-consciousness and excrutiating embarrassment. Or, as a friend of mine who has started a new business up-cycling furniture and doesn’t feel her work is good enough to sell yet says, the idea of sharing her work makes her squirm.
I know how hard it is to put your work out there.
I have been blogging anonymously for 5 years before only recently telling people about it. I have had a small photographic greetings cards business that some of my friends don’t even know exists. And when I am writing I am constantly questioning why I would want to add to all the online ‘noise’ already out there….
We feel these feelings because we believe that our art is us.
But it is not us, it comes through us.
Every mark we make, every word we speak, every action we take is a unique expression of our individuality. No one else can create or express in the same way as us. The urge to create is a primordial impulse, an innate desire to express who we are.
We are given both the ideas and the internal resources to complete artistic projects by something greater than us, so isn’t it rather arrogant to deny or keep hidden what is simply an expression of Life?
We have this perception about art, creativity. That it’s a big thing, a statement, a measure of our talent.
But it’s not that.
It’s just us.
How we are.
A way of being.
Most of us think we aren’t creative. But we can’t not create however hard we try because whatever comes out of our mouths or from our hands or through our bodies is just us, being as we are in each particular moment.
And if we see that anything we produce isn’t this big separate thing called ‘Art’, but simply an outpouring, an overflowing, of ourselves, our personality in material form, then this can help free us from our limited thinking.
And even the product itself is not what we think it is. It is not only what we can see or touch or smell or feel.
It is the essence of who we are that emerges onto the paper, the canvas, in the workplace or on the stage. The energy of our own unique blueprint presented in words or images or objects.
And people pick up on that. They take what they need from it, are fed by it, nourished by it, disturbed by it even, as a result of their own filters and needs and experiences.
And who are we to know what others need?
We can’t control how others respond to our work.
We can’t know what impact our art will have on another. And it is not our business to know.
Who are we to say that anything is not ‘good enough’?
Is a leaf with holes in it any less perfect? Any less beautiful? Or Useful? Or inspiring?
By letting go of all the assumptions of how we think our work will be received we can get on with the business of simply being ourselves!
Creating for the sheer joy of it!
So even though I will be squirming as I press send on this blog post I will also be revelling in the simple freedom of expressing myself without judgement or fear of what others think.