It was bound to happen. After all my excitement recently of putting myself out there, of following my inspiration, I was going to have a ‘bad’ day…
Which was yesterday.
But it wasn’t a bad day, only a thought that could make it so.
It was what it was.
In the same way that you get dark menacing storm clouds one minute and white fluffly cottonwool summer clouds the next….
I had felt ‘off’, you know those days when you bump into things or drop things or keep missing the mark somehow. Tiny things set you off balance and signal that you are not quite in the flow. I was feeling sad but not knowing why…
And then I fell over. On concrete. A full toe bending, on my knees, corker of a fall that left me shaken, very bruised, and in a lot of pain, pain that kept changing throughout the day.
In the past I would try to come up with reasons why all these things were happening, discover what it all ‘meant’. And what I was supposed to do to ‘correct’ it – change my behaviour, buck up my ideas, take action, or have a rest. And I might even have googled the metaphysical significance of falling, of bruises, or perhaps even of toes.
On top of this I would judge myself as being too slapdash, too impatient. I would spin stories about how useless I was, how there was definitely something wrong with me. I would overwhelm myself with all the things that I thought I had to change. Leading to a complete downward spiral ending in thoughts of not being able to carry on because it was just all too much.
In a matter of minutes I would give up. On myself. Because I’d been listening to a few thoughts….
I would do anything but actually feel what was happening.
Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
Being aware of how quickly my thoughts could lead me astray, yesterday I made a conscious effort to prevent this.
I decided to stay with everything that I was feeling and experiencing.
I didn’t have to solve anything.
I didn’t have to fix anything.
I didn’t have to change anything.
I didn’t have to know what it was about.
It didn’t have to have a meaning.
I didn’t have to be anything other than how I was. In every moment. Sad. Angry. Feeling sorry for myself. Physically hurting.
I didn’t manage it completely. At one point I found myself in the car, tears streaming down my face, going to the shop to buy chocolate fingers to sooth myself. But I was OK with that too.
When the thoughts take over, when we think we are just our minds, when we don’t even realise that we are a body too, sometimes it helps to reconnect with all of ourselves by looking in a mirror, or touching our face.
So I looked in the car mirror. And instead of the ugly ogre that I imagined I would find there I was surprised to see a pretty little face.The face of a small, lost and vulnerable child who temporarily had lost her way and needed compassion and comfort.
Who needed to be seen.
By me.
Feelings that come up can be a result of our thinking.
But often feelings are simply old energies leaving.
By resisting them, by trying to stop them, change them or prevent them they just go
underground and come back again. Usually in a more marked way.
But if we witness them, have compassion for the part of us that is feeling the emotion, rejoice that an old, out-dated part of us is ready to move on, know that they are only temporary and will pass, without having to do anything at all about them, then they will eventually leave, of their own accord.
And sometimes the associated behaviours or patterns that are kept in place by our resistance can also dissolve and lose their power to trigger us.
A few weeks ago (blog post 14thMay – Out of My Mind) I made the decision to follow my heart’s calling on a moment to moment basis and then take action on that. Actually do something. One baby step at a time. As it occurred to me. Regardless of how it looked, how imperfect it was, however silly it might appear. To have no regard to outcome or agenda. Or what others may think. To not know where it might ‘lead’. Simply for the joy of it. To show up, to take action.
And to share it.
To say to the world ‘This is who I am and I am no longer ashamed of it.’
And to show others that they can do the same.
I am totally astonished at what I have managed to achieve over the last few weeks by ignoring my fearful thoughts. Thoughts that said ‘who are you to put things out there?’ ‘What’s the point, who cares?’ ‘What will people think of you?’. And my habitual inner critic echoed my early years’ warnings to ‘stop showing off’.
I
have posted images and words on social media for the first time and added links directing people to this blog. Something I would NEVER have dared do before.
I have bought some new clothes – dresses no less than – and have actually worn them in public and amongst friends despite my acute anxiety about my size.
I have shared some of my ‘creations’ – childlike experiments in different art techniques – with friends.
I have experienced extreme embarrassment and self consciousness from stepping out of my comfort zone and into a more open and visible place in the world.
But I haven’t died. The world hasn’t imploded. Nobody has laughed at me. (That I know of!)
And nothing bad has happened to me.
On the contrary. What began as an experiment in following my inspiration has resulted in others expressing themselves and asking to be more involved.
I have been surprised by the responses of some and the non-reaction of others. I have felt so much freedom, and with it an excitement about future possibilities. I have found it hard to believe how difficult it seemed before I did it, but how easy it actually was when I didn’t let my thoughts prevent me from trying.
Each time I post it gets easier, allowing me to be even braver the next time.
I have found effortless ways of doing things that previously were too overwhelming to even contemplate.
I am beginning to see that anything is possible, that it doesn’t matter what people think of me, and that this playing at life is actually rather fun!
Of course there will be zillions more thoughts, and setbacks and steps back as I journey out into this playground of Life. But for now I am enjoying each tentative step that makes me feel more alive, on purpose, and full of joy.
And I invite you to try it too!
Follow a whim, trust an impulse, delight in creating….
Go with what moves you.
Without reason or meaning.
And see where it takes you!
I love to take photographs on my allotment – of the colours, the plant combinations, the skies, the different times of day or the unfolding seasons. Usually I try to find the best position to get the most attractive picture which, on an allotment, is quite hard as there are bright blue water butts, plastic polytunnels, bird scarers and various paraphanelia which always intrude in the picture.
Today I was working on the ‘utility’ area, around some new compost bins I have recently made from old pallets and which has been covered in nettles, thistles and raspberry suckers since I took over the plot a year and a half ago. I decided to tackle it head on, which meant pulling out enormous nettle roots that had been developing for years. At some point I became so exhausted that I thought I’d stop digging and pulling and try working with a trowel whilst sitting on the ground…
And it was this view that really struck me. The beautifully presented colourful scene contrasting with the mass of ugly roots and rotting carpet. Side by side. One to be shown off, the other obscured.
I saw how easy it is to hide behind a mask, a facade, an appearance that everything is OK and acceptable, beautiful even.
To ignore what may be going on under the surface.
And to see it as negative, or wrong, or weak. And unacceptable.
By doing this we prevent others from admitting or acknowledging that their lives are far from perfect, that they have ‘flaws’ too. And by covering up these parts of ourselves, by judging ourselves as wrong or broken and needing to be fixed, we continue to deny the darker side of life, a side which holds its own perfections, lessons, learnings.
And its own beauty – in the form of vulnerability, rawness, honesty. To ourselves and to those around us.
There is much more to be said about accepting the parts of ourselves that have been kept in the dark, like prisoners held captive in the cellar. But for today I just wanted to highlight the fact that these parts co-exist, and that they are all both valid and of equal value.
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